Maybe blogging will make me less lonely?

This is the post excerpt.

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Well, hello there!

Who am I? Well, I’m just another 20 something millennial blogging through her life. Why? Maybe I’m hoping someone will listen. Maybe I’m hoping to get some clarity. Maybe I’m afraid of judgement from people I know. Maybe I’m just bored. Maybe it’s something I don’t even realise. I guess I’ll learn that eventually.

Anyway, I guess I’m trying to figure out my life. Feeling lost. Alone. Unwanted. Stressed. Happy. Sad. Anxious. Excited. Confused. Plus many, many more.

For those who don’t know me, which I guess is well… all of you. I suffer with mental health issues. I have a diagnosis but that’s not what I want to make this first post about. I want to make it about what’s going on in my brain right now.

Dating. Love. Affection.
They’re the things in my brain right now, do I want them? I crave them… so I guess that means I do. However, I crave them from one person. Who is that person? A past love of mine. The only one I’ve had. The only one I’ve let close enough to break my heart. We’ve been apart for several years, whilst I healed from the heartbreak. I heal slowly. You don’t need to tell me that. Yes, I dated other guys, none of them successful. I like to believe that happens for a reason, but I think I’m just too picky. But then again, shouldn’t you be picky if you’re planing to share your life with that person… hopefully forever.

He came back into my life this year. After I finally healed and moved on, I allowed him back in. I thought it was a good idea. I thought wrong. We spoke briefly and occasionally. Through social media of course. My self esteem was far too low for it to be in person. Until he needed my help. I supported him. As a good person would. As he did for me long ago. I thought nothing of it. Slowly we got closer. I felt I could do this. I felt like I’d moved on.

Then we saw each other more often. We became friends. Then he told me he didn’t want a relationship. It wasn’t something I had even been thinking about. Well, not out loud. He admitted he liked me. Found me attractive. Cared about me. We enjoyed our time together. Why not add something extra into the mix. Sex. I’d been single for a while. So had he. Why not? it could be fun. Right?

For a few days we thought about the idea. We got more flirty. I enjoyed the attention. It had been a while since I felt attractive. Desired. Sexy. I enjoyed it. I knew he didn’t want to be together. He’d been clear about that. And I wasn’t dating anyone so neither of us we’re doing anything wrong. But then we did it. We hooked up. It was fun. It was different. I wasn’t sad. I didn’t feel used. It felt casual, but with emotions. Not like, love or anything close to that. Just, it made me feel wanted.

Then we stopped talking. I knew he regretted it. Part of me did. I felt like I may have ruined everything. It takes a lot for me to let someone in. He had me like putty in his hands. I don’t think he realised that. Because I didn’t want him to. I was happy to be anything with him. Friends. Close friends. Friends with benefits. Dating. Lovers. Anything.

We spoke about it. He admitted it. He felt anxious after it happened. I don’t know what that meant. I still don’t. He cared about me too much. But didn’t want to do that anymore. I respected that. I still do. I’m just confused. He told me, he might be interested in a relationship with me one day. Just not right now. Not. Right. Now. That age old trick. I want you. Just not right now. What does that even mean? I still don’t know. Well, I do. I just don’t want to admit it. He hopes there’s someone better. Maybe I’ll still stick around if he doesn’t find that. Part of me wants to. Actually all of me wants to. I want that 2nd chance. I tried to rebuild the relationship, help him consider we could be more. But he kept that distance. Not letting me get too close. I get it.

So here I am. Signing up to dating websites. Hoping to find my soulmate. Knowing what I really want. Guys message me, it’s not that I never have anyone interested in me. I know if I didn’t want to be single, I wouldn’t have to be. But nothing feels as good as I do when I’m with him. Stupid I know.

I even organised a date with a cute guy. Seems friendly. Caring. Smart. Then I cancelled. I couldn’t bring myself to go. I felt like I was cheating. I’m not. But it still felt wrong. It felt too soon. It’s not.

Last night I decided the best thing to do is have some distance. Stop checking social media. Stop seeing if he’s liked my latest status. Hint; he hasn’t. He never did anymore. Why did I care? I don’t even know. Within those 24 hours of distancing from social media, 3 different guys have text me. 3 different guys all interested in me. Yet, I feel nothing from that. I don’t want to tell them how my day was. I don’t want to spend my weekend with them. I don’t crave their touch. I don’t crave their attention at all. So do I force myself to be interested in one of these guys? Do I let one of them in close enough to tear me apart all over again? What is wrong with me? Don’t you have to kiss a lot of frogs to get your prince? Or is that just the bullshit we’re fed at kids. Like “oh if a guy is mean to you it means he likes you!” Maybe that’s why I crave attention from the only person I can’t get it from. Wow. I feel like a broken human being.

So how do I deal with all this. Well I’m gonna give a go at blogging it out. Not that anyone will read it. I’m going to give myself a make over. Probably use that for attention on social media even if I claim to be on a cleanse. But I am promising myself that is the only post on any social media I will post. None of these “totally having an amazing time right now give me attention even though it’s clearly not that great of a time since I’m spending it on social media” posts.

So I guess I’ll see you all tomorrow and try and see if there’s anymore sense in my brain.

 

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that wasn’t love, that was just hope.

I’m out here feeling hurt, you never tell me I’m good enough for you. You don’t make me feel like it either. I’m your secret. Because you don’t want others involved. Really you’re ashamed of me. You want to do better, you would never settle for me. You mess up my self worth. You always call me “mine” I belong to you, you like to feel like you have ownership. Then you tell me my female friend is hot. You tell me if you wanted to sleep with her you could because you don’t belong to me. You like to make it clear to me that you have the freedom to find someone else. All the time. You complain about being single, but tell me we wouldn’t work. But here I am constantly running back to you, hoping you’ll one day decide actually yeah this is the girl I need. But you won’t. You don’t think I’m good enough for you. Which takes me back to how I used to feel. Undervalued, unwanted, undeserving of love. Your own pride comes above my desire to feel wanted. And I tell you, I just want to feel good enough. You tell me I’ve got to learn to make myself feel good enough. Which is true. But people are still supposed to help people.

You’ve had me whenever you want me for the last year an a half. It’s all on your terms. And I’m a fool for never standing my ground. You want someone else and I’ll do until you find them. The reason I’m so anxious and depressed all the time is because you make it clear you only want the good parts of me. You don’t want all of me, just the things you want. It hurts, it really does. I walked away from our friendship for 2 years because I didn’t want to end up in this pattern after our break up. And I was so proud I did that, but then I came back. And ended up in that pattern I promised I wouldn’t. Why do I allow myself to be so weak. Why do you make me that way? Why do you not care for the way your pulling me along and hurting me. You can’t even act like you don’t realise you’re doing it. Because you point it out. Oh “your voice gets sad when I mention dating other people” doesn’t go well with “I don’t want to lead you on” “I don’t want to hurt you” yet you know you’re doing it, and you continue to do it. You know exactly what you’re doing. But then again so do I. Whenever you end things for me “getting attached” we distance for a while. I date new people. Realise I’m not attracted to them, then I come back… I drop little flirty hints. You apologise for getting flirty. I say “oh nothing wrong with having fun” and it begins again. I know exactly what I’m doing. All the time. I hurt myself. I know what to expect but I do it anyway. One day I’ll learn.

sometimes I just wanna cave and I don’t wanna fight.

Here I am, sat at my computer, crying yet again. Crying why? I can’t handle life. My friends want to come round in 2 hours, and I’m crying not even wanting to be here right now. I’m just really struggling with life. Nothing brings me happiness anymore. I hate everything about it. No matter what I try, I crash and burn all the time. Everything I do, I fail. I can’t even be bothered to plan my own social event. Part of me wants people to bail so I justify my own thoughts of nobody wanting me around. I tell people I feel like I don’t want to be in this world. Nobody tells me not to do it. Nobody really says anything. An occasional “I’d miss you” is what I get. I guess it’s less that I want to die and more that I don’t want to keep living like this.

There’s only so much more I can handle before I break. I’ve asked medical professionals for help, they’ve given up on me. No support is offered anymore. It’s treated as “this happens to you sometimes” I’ve been honest with them. Explained my dark thoughts. If everyone else has given up on me why shouldn’t I?

It never gets better, and I know as soon as my heart is hurt one more time, I’ll end up giving up.

I’m an idiot

what am I doing to myself? I’m giving you everything you want. Everything. It’s all under your rules. All the time. You say you don’t want to hurt me, so I have to act like you’re not. Despite me telling you on and off for the past year that I can’t move on. I’ve confessed that our hook ups hurt me. Probably about 3 times over the past year. Yet you always come back when you need me. And I accept it, because I need you. Without you in my life I don’t know what to do.

You happily sleep with me. Flirt with me. Talk with me. Call me when you need help. Help me when I need it too. But you won’t give me a second chance. I’m not good enough for more than the occasional hook up, until you find a better girl. You complain about being single, all whilst saying you don’t want to date me because you “don’t agree with me on some things” but you won’t tell me what things, because you don’t want me to change them, because it’s not my fault, it’s yours for not liking those things.

If you don’t want me why do you keep coming back? Why? I don’t get it. Why won’t you even give me a chance for a second try? I can’t enjoy our hook ups because I know one day, you’ll stop them when you find a better girl. It hurts not feeling good enough. When you happily ignore all their flaws because they don’t matter. We all have flaws. Please just let me go. I need to go, I need to move on somehow. I don’t know how. I don’t want to. But please just let me go.

I hate you, don’t leave me.

Another night, another breakdown. Another day of just realising I’m not good enough. Here you are complaining about being single, all whilst you won’t commit to me. I’m a good friend, a good fuck. But just not good enough to date. We’ve been on and off for a year and a half. You enjoy your time with me but I’m not new and exciting. You’re the only person I can imagine a life with, but you’ll never want to be with me. Here I am holding out hope you might change your mind, deeply anxious knowing you won’t.

I thought we’d grow in time, I wasn’t prepared.

Here we are again, me… struggling. The thought of being casual with you was better than nothing it all. I can’t handle the thought of never holding your body close to mine again. The thought of you finding another hurts me more than anything else in the world. I don’t know how I’ll ever be able to handle that. Why do I do this to myself? let myself get attached. Every time you take longer than an hour to respond, my brain thinks you must be finding the girl who is going to take my place. I can’t handle it. I want nothing more in life than to be with you. You make me happier than anyone else ever does. In the time we’ve been apart nobody has ever been able to take your place. I hate it. Because you don’t feel the same. I’m temporary to you. You want to find someone better for you than me. I’m there until that new, beautiful and wonderful girl comes alone. I’m here, dreading that day. Knowing I’ll never find anyone better than you. Never. I can’t handle it.

I’ve got to convince myself I don’t want it, even though I do.

Wow. I haven’t posted on here in quite a while. I guess I had the fear if I kept posting and somebody found it who knew me, everything would be out there. Really I’m treating this like a diary. Somewhere I can be honest, behind a screen.

I guess a lot of things have changed, but some have stayed the same. I’ve dated maybe 4 people in the past year, none of them have clicked. I just felt nothing for any of them. I even saw an ex-boyfriend of mine… and felt nothing. NOTHING… how? what is wrong with my brain?

After several unsuccessful attempts at dating, I went back to him, again and again. Until he doesn’t want me, then I go back to dating. It’s a cycle.

A couple of nights ago I spent the night with him. First time in about 6 months. We’ve been planning it for a while, but things kept going wrong in our lives. Part of me thinks things are going wrong in my life as karma for going back to him. The world trying to tell me he’s not the one. He’s not, I know he’s not. But how I feel when I’m around him just makes nothing else matter. I was so genuinely happy lay next to him. Both of us not needing any of our unhealthy coping mechanisms. No drugs, no alcohol, nobody else around. Just content.

It felt different this time. It felt like he wanted to be there. I don’t know. I was happy. Even if it’s just us being close friends with intimacy. It’s nice. But as soon as I’m alone with my thoughts I just over think it. I want to message and ask if we’re okay. I want reassurance that he doesn’t regret it. but I don’t want to look like a person who needs validation. I want to seem strong and confident. But I also need that intimacy in my life, at least until I finally feel like I connect with another human being in this world.

oh you’re gonna miss me when I’m gone

you know what? you’re actually kind of a shitty person. I have feelings for you, more jealousy, but actually… I don’t enjoy your company any more. Yeah. I will probably fuck you one more time, show you what you’re missing and then move on with my life. Or at least try to.

You’ve hurt me, so much… yet I keep going back to you. You broke my heart, you were everything I ever wanted. Everything. You’re telling me you don’t want anything more than sex, but telling other people you want something serious and the perfect person in your life. Good fucking luck. You have me here right in front of you, the person who was there for you so much. I admit, I have flaws. I’m the first person to admit that, but you expect everyone to treat you how you don’t treat them.

Oh you’re depressed today, you want attention, you get love and support from those around you. Oh I’m depressed? I really need to stop because it’s ruining other people’s fun. It’s actually at the point where I don’t want you to be around, because I feel like I can’t be myself, because you’ll scoff, you’ll complain or you’ll just make it about you. I can’t be bothered. This entire thing has been 90% effort from me, 10% from you. But you say jump and I say how high? After this weekend, I MUST NOT be with you again. No sex. No support. Nothing. I can’t do this anymore. Constantly questioning my worth because you don’t value me. I just can’t.

Sometimes I feel like giving up, but I just can’t.

Today I went to collect the contraceptive pill. why? because it’s been 5 weeks since my last period. I’ve done several pregnancy tests. I’m bloated. Depressed. Lonely. And I can’t even resort to sex to make myself feel better, due to fear of bleeding.

Stupid I know. But it’s the only way I know to get attention from the person I want attention from. I’m an idiot, right? I’ve just sat here reading the long list of risks, it’s likely to make my mood worse. Risk of heart problems. Increased risk of cancer. But at least I can fuck some guy who doesn’t like me enough to be any more than a fuck. I value myself that little. I can get attention from so many others, but no. I want his attention. Idiot.

I’m not in love it’s just a thing we make.

Oh… look… I’m back again.

What did she do this time? answer: him.

He showed me the slightest bit of attention and I fell for it. It took just over a week of attention for me to sleep with him. Again.

Okay I’m not complaining. I enjoyed it. It was fun. It was casual. It wasn’t about getting him back. I know we’re not meant to be together. I know that’s not where my happiness lies. It’s just about sex and intimacy with someone I’ve trusted before, so it’s easy to trust again.

What’s bothering me though is that it’s a secret. Well, it’s supposed to be. I don’t care, I freely talk with my friends about my sex life, relationships, mistakes and just general life stuff. Friends talk. Friends support each other. His friends don’t though. They’re forbidden from knowing.

2 single adults, having consensual sex. What’s the problem? Apparently their opinions.

Yes, we’re friends. But he tries to distance from that. Friends with benefits. But a lot of the time I just feel like I’m more like a side piece or a secret. I’m not treated like he treats his friends. He’s constantly scared of acting a certain way and friends finding out. I couldn’t care less. I don’t want him back. But spending the night together made me want somebody. A future. Someone to love and support me. Sex is great right now. Hooking up is fine for me right now. But I just hope one day I’ll find someone who will love and support me, and be proud to be with me. Not ashamed.

I’m do, re, mi, fa, so fuckin’ done with you

I’m sorry it’s been a while. I didn’t die… yet.

I dunno I came back because I needed to vent. I’ve tried several times to distance from the guy who’s not healthy for me. And I have. We’re friends. Reluctantly.

Recently he became friends with someone who slated him so much. Even in front of me. He called him a terrible person, one of the worst. He said such awful things. And I defended him. Even in my heartbreak, I defended him.

They fell out for several months. It was actually nice without him around. I felt welcome again. Then he returned. Only he returned with new information on me. He found out Me and my ex had hooked up. And that I was hurt. And wanted my ex back. This was several months ago remember. So he’s took that story. Took it. Took it and told everyone. All my friends now think I’m a fool still chasing a guy.

I found out this information. I told my ex. Told him that it’s awful having someone talking shit about you to all of your friends. He told me I was just over thinking it. So I tried again, to be friends with this guy who hates me. Found out he even just refuses to be around me. Great.

So I told my ex. I’m done. I’m not being around this. I want to distance and left alone.

“I won’t let you do that”

followed by several messages. I didn’t respond.

I log onto a platform, he sees me online. Messages me.

“Are you going to talk to me yet”

“Everyone thinks you’re coming tomorrow, that’ll look bad”

“I want you there”

I tell him I don’t want to and log off.

He calls me.

Leaves me a voicemail.

Messages me again.

I get so overwhelmed with emotions I just go off. Tell him how I’m feeling. Why I’m done. He tells me I’m over reacting.

I finally calm down, tell him I’ll tell him tomorrow. Tell him that I’ve heard what’s said about me when I’m not there.

He apologises and all that. Again with the “I want you around”

like I care about him but I get these lines so much. I feel like I’m being manipulated. I don’t know. He cares about me. But not enough to stop being friends with the person who slated him so much, and now it’s my turn.

I’m hated by someone all because of who I had sex with. Imagine a world. My friends are being put in the middle of a situation all because of someone I had sex with. And they all have no idea that’s the reason. I feel physically sick. So now I’m going to see everyone tomorrow. Feeling anxious. Sick. Unwanted. Upset. Feeling like I’M the problem. Like it’s all my fault. Because I’m the honest person and the manipulator decides I’m his new victim.