Maybe blogging will make me less lonely?

This is the post excerpt.

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Well, hello there!

Who am I? Well, I’m just another 20 something millennial blogging through her life. Why? Maybe I’m hoping someone will listen. Maybe I’m hoping to get some clarity. Maybe I’m afraid of judgement from people I know. Maybe I’m just bored. Maybe it’s something I don’t even realise. I guess I’ll learn that eventually.

Anyway, I guess I’m trying to figure out my life. Feeling lost. Alone. Unwanted. Stressed. Happy. Sad. Anxious. Excited. Confused. Plus many, many more.

For those who don’t know me, which I guess is well… all of you. I suffer with mental health issues. I have a diagnosis but that’s not what I want to make this first post about. I want to make it about what’s going on in my brain right now.

Dating. Love. Affection.
They’re the things in my brain right now, do I want them? I crave them… so I guess that means I do. However, I crave them from one person. Who is that person? A past love of mine. The only one I’ve had. The only one I’ve let close enough to break my heart. We’ve been apart for several years, whilst I healed from the heartbreak. I heal slowly. You don’t need to tell me that. Yes, I dated other guys, none of them successful. I like to believe that happens for a reason, but I think I’m just too picky. But then again, shouldn’t you be picky if you’re planing to share your life with that person… hopefully forever.

He came back into my life this year. After I finally healed and moved on, I allowed him back in. I thought it was a good idea. I thought wrong. We spoke briefly and occasionally. Through social media of course. My self esteem was far too low for it to be in person. Until he needed my help. I supported him. As a good person would. As he did for me long ago. I thought nothing of it. Slowly we got closer. I felt I could do this. I felt like I’d moved on.

Then we saw each other more often. We became friends. Then he told me he didn’t want a relationship. It wasn’t something I had even been thinking about. Well, not out loud. He admitted he liked me. Found me attractive. Cared about me. We enjoyed our time together. Why not add something extra into the mix. Sex. I’d been single for a while. So had he. Why not? it could be fun. Right?

For a few days we thought about the idea. We got more flirty. I enjoyed the attention. It had been a while since I felt attractive. Desired. Sexy. I enjoyed it. I knew he didn’t want to be together. He’d been clear about that. And I wasn’t dating anyone so neither of us we’re doing anything wrong. But then we did it. We hooked up. It was fun. It was different. I wasn’t sad. I didn’t feel used. It felt casual, but with emotions. Not like, love or anything close to that. Just, it made me feel wanted.

Then we stopped talking. I knew he regretted it. Part of me did. I felt like I may have ruined everything. It takes a lot for me to let someone in. He had me like putty in his hands. I don’t think he realised that. Because I didn’t want him to. I was happy to be anything with him. Friends. Close friends. Friends with benefits. Dating. Lovers. Anything.

We spoke about it. He admitted it. He felt anxious after it happened. I don’t know what that meant. I still don’t. He cared about me too much. But didn’t want to do that anymore. I respected that. I still do. I’m just confused. He told me, he might be interested in a relationship with me one day. Just not right now. Not. Right. Now. That age old trick. I want you. Just not right now. What does that even mean? I still don’t know. Well, I do. I just don’t want to admit it. He hopes there’s someone better. Maybe I’ll still stick around if he doesn’t find that. Part of me wants to. Actually all of me wants to. I want that 2nd chance. I tried to rebuild the relationship, help him consider we could be more. But he kept that distance. Not letting me get too close. I get it.

So here I am. Signing up to dating websites. Hoping to find my soulmate. Knowing what I really want. Guys message me, it’s not that I never have anyone interested in me. I know if I didn’t want to be single, I wouldn’t have to be. But nothing feels as good as I do when I’m with him. Stupid I know.

I even organised a date with a cute guy. Seems friendly. Caring. Smart. Then I cancelled. I couldn’t bring myself to go. I felt like I was cheating. I’m not. But it still felt wrong. It felt too soon. It’s not.

Last night I decided the best thing to do is have some distance. Stop checking social media. Stop seeing if he’s liked my latest status. Hint; he hasn’t. He never did anymore. Why did I care? I don’t even know. Within those 24 hours of distancing from social media, 3 different guys have text me. 3 different guys all interested in me. Yet, I feel nothing from that. I don’t want to tell them how my day was. I don’t want to spend my weekend with them. I don’t crave their touch. I don’t crave their attention at all. So do I force myself to be interested in one of these guys? Do I let one of them in close enough to tear me apart all over again? What is wrong with me? Don’t you have to kiss a lot of frogs to get your prince? Or is that just the bullshit we’re fed at kids. Like “oh if a guy is mean to you it means he likes you!” Maybe that’s why I crave attention from the only person I can’t get it from. Wow. I feel like a broken human being.

So how do I deal with all this. Well I’m gonna give a go at blogging it out. Not that anyone will read it. I’m going to give myself a make over. Probably use that for attention on social media even if I claim to be on a cleanse. But I am promising myself that is the only post on any social media I will post. None of these “totally having an amazing time right now give me attention even though it’s clearly not that great of a time since I’m spending it on social media” posts.

So I guess I’ll see you all tomorrow and try and see if there’s anymore sense in my brain.

 

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oh you’re gonna miss me when I’m gone

you know what? you’re actually kind of a shitty person. I have feelings for you, more jealousy, but actually… I don’t enjoy your company any more. Yeah. I will probably fuck you one more time, show you what you’re missing and then move on with my life. Or at least try to.

You’ve hurt me, so much… yet I keep going back to you. You broke my heart, you were everything I ever wanted. Everything. You’re telling me you don’t want anything more than sex, but telling other people you want something serious and the perfect person in your life. Good fucking luck. You have me here right in front of you, the person who was there for you so much. I admit, I have flaws. I’m the first person to admit that, but you expect everyone to treat you how you don’t treat them.

Oh you’re depressed today, you want attention, you get love and support from those around you. Oh I’m depressed? I really need to stop because it’s ruining other people’s fun. It’s actually at the point where I don’t want you to be around, because I feel like I can’t be myself, because you’ll scoff, you’ll complain or you’ll just make it about you. I can’t be bothered. This entire thing has been 90% effort from me, 10% from you. But you say jump and I say how high? After this weekend, I MUST NOT be with you again. No sex. No support. Nothing. I can’t do this anymore. Constantly questioning my worth because you don’t value me. I just can’t.

Sometimes I feel like giving up, but I just can’t.

Today I went to collect the contraceptive pill. why? because it’s been 5 weeks since my last period. I’ve done several pregnancy tests. I’m bloated. Depressed. Lonely. And I can’t even resort to sex to make myself feel better, due to fear of bleeding.

Stupid I know. But it’s the only way I know to get attention from the person I want attention from. I’m an idiot, right? I’ve just sat here reading the long list of risks, it’s likely to make my mood worse. Risk of heart problems. Increased risk of cancer. But at least I can fuck some guy who doesn’t like me enough to be any more than a fuck. I value myself that little. I can get attention from so many others, but no. I want his attention. Idiot.

I’m not in love it’s just a thing we make.

Oh… look… I’m back again.

What did she do this time? answer: him.

He showed me the slightest bit of attention and I fell for it. It took just over a week of attention for me to sleep with him. Again.

Okay I’m not complaining. I enjoyed it. It was fun. It was casual. It wasn’t about getting him back. I know we’re not meant to be together. I know that’s not where my happiness lies. It’s just about sex and intimacy with someone I’ve trusted before, so it’s easy to trust again.

What’s bothering me though is that it’s a secret. Well, it’s supposed to be. I don’t care, I freely talk with my friends about my sex life, relationships, mistakes and just general life stuff. Friends talk. Friends support each other. His friends don’t though. They’re forbidden from knowing.

2 single adults, having consensual sex. What’s the problem? Apparently their opinions.

Yes, we’re friends. But he tries to distance from that. Friends with benefits. But a lot of the time I just feel like I’m more like a side piece or a secret. I’m not treated like he treats his friends. He’s constantly scared of acting a certain way and friends finding out. I couldn’t care less. I don’t want him back. But spending the night together made me want somebody. A future. Someone to love and support me. Sex is great right now. Hooking up is fine for me right now. But I just hope one day I’ll find someone who will love and support me, and be proud to be with me. Not ashamed.

I’m do, re, mi, fa, so fuckin’ done with you

I’m sorry it’s been a while. I didn’t die… yet.

I dunno I came back because I needed to vent. I’ve tried several times to distance from the guy who’s not healthy for me. And I have. We’re friends. Reluctantly.

Recently he became friends with someone who slated him so much. Even in front of me. He called him a terrible person, one of the worst. He said such awful things. And I defended him. Even in my heartbreak, I defended him.

They fell out for several months. It was actually nice without him around. I felt welcome again. Then he returned. Only he returned with new information on me. He found out Me and my ex had hooked up. And that I was hurt. And wanted my ex back. This was several months ago remember. So he’s took that story. Took it. Took it and told everyone. All my friends now think I’m a fool still chasing a guy.

I found out this information. I told my ex. Told him that it’s awful having someone talking shit about you to all of your friends. He told me I was just over thinking it. So I tried again, to be friends with this guy who hates me. Found out he even just refuses to be around me. Great.

So I told my ex. I’m done. I’m not being around this. I want to distance and left alone.

“I won’t let you do that”

followed by several messages. I didn’t respond.

I log onto a platform, he sees me online. Messages me.

“Are you going to talk to me yet”

“Everyone thinks you’re coming tomorrow, that’ll look bad”

“I want you there”

I tell him I don’t want to and log off.

He calls me.

Leaves me a voicemail.

Messages me again.

I get so overwhelmed with emotions I just go off. Tell him how I’m feeling. Why I’m done. He tells me I’m over reacting.

I finally calm down, tell him I’ll tell him tomorrow. Tell him that I’ve heard what’s said about me when I’m not there.

He apologises and all that. Again with the “I want you around”

like I care about him but I get these lines so much. I feel like I’m being manipulated. I don’t know. He cares about me. But not enough to stop being friends with the person who slated him so much, and now it’s my turn.

I’m hated by someone all because of who I had sex with. Imagine a world. My friends are being put in the middle of a situation all because of someone I had sex with. And they all have no idea that’s the reason. I feel physically sick. So now I’m going to see everyone tomorrow. Feeling anxious. Sick. Unwanted. Upset. Feeling like I’M the problem. Like it’s all my fault. Because I’m the honest person and the manipulator decides I’m his new victim.

 

How are you all around me? when you’re not really there.

So, still a little bit high mainly. Binge ate too much food. I feel awful. Why do I keep doing this to myself?

Yesterday I slipped into a depression. Friends haven’t wanted to spend time with me for the last few weeks. I’ve been keeping myself busy to not notice. I haven’t really had a conversation with any of them. I arranged something today with them. But this morning, it was cancelled. So that didn’t help the depression I’d slipped into.

I decided to resort to the only thing I can. Drugs. And food.

Last night I took valium and codine to knock me out for the night, and well… it did. However I woke this morning. Still sad as last night. Great.

I visited my friend. My friend who has weed. Free weed. Feels like a complete winner. I can shut my brain off for a few hours. Though my tolerance is getting higher. My cravings for it’s effects higher. You wouldn’t believe I’d been straight edge most of my life. Until I found anything that knocks me out or shuts my brain up. That’s all I want. To. Stop. Thinking. Because when I think, I think about how worthless I am. How pointless I am. How other people must see me as such a failure. I can’t even do the one thing I’ve been good at this year. Losing weight. Maybe someone will love me when I weigh the right amount. When I’m not this fat ogre. I just want to be loved. I tell people “oh I’m not looking to date right now” when really all I want is love. Where do I look for it? People who loved me before. People who loved me when I was obese. Hoping they’ll love me again. And yes, a couple gave me a second chance. But I didn’t want to take it. I only crave it when they make it a challenge. When they act uninterested.

I just want someone to hold me every night and tell me they love me and that it doesn’t matter if I fail the next day because I have them. Always and forever.

can’t nobody love you like I do baby I can do better

Oh.. Hi there! I haven’t been posting too much. Don’t worry. I haven’t been in a bad place and avoiding everything. I’ve actually been making some good progress. I actually wrote a post out before this, but I started talking about the guy that’s had way too much of my attention. Writing about how he wronged me. Why? He’s not worth those thoughts. So I deleted it. And started again.

I’ve been trying to keep myself the busiest I can. Surrounding myself with positive energy. Taking space from him. But not removing him from my life. Why? Because I enjoy the friends we share, and he’s just part of the deal.

I’ve felt mostly positive over these last few weeks. With a few nights where I felt not so good. But that’s just part of living with a mental health issues. It’s never going to be a straight run.

I’ve been really positive though. Dealing with things in a healthy way. I stopped messaging him every other day. I focused on building up other friendships I had. It’s been nice. I feel appreciated by people. I feel focused. I got my college application in for next year. I’ve been given some exciting opportunities. Things are really looking up. I don’t need a boy by my side for that. I’m gonna be successful all on my own.

We didn’t really talk for a couple of weeks. We saw each other with friends, I was polite with him. But then he had some personal stuff going on. I decided that I’ve moved on from this. Yeah I still care for him. Yeah in a perfect world I’d love for us to be happy together. But that’s just not how it is. That’s not how it’s gonna be. I know now that the roller coaster I went through whilst we were hooking up was just way too stressful on me. And I took way too much of the blame from someone who was basically testing me and changing their mind every other day. He still looks at me in a way. A way I can’t read. A confusing way. But I’m just focusing on myself. I don’t even want to date people to distract myself. I want to spend time with friends. Make progress in life. When I am the best version of myself, I’ll find the best person for me.

I know we’re not supposed to talk, but I’m scared we’re not because I’m scared you’re with somebody else.

I’ve not blogged in a little while. I guess I’ve been processing, or trying to stay busy and not think about it. I went on a second date with the guy… I felt awkward. I really didn’t even want him near me so I definitely didn’t want him to kiss me. That’s not a good sign. So I decided not to see him again. I feel like I self sabotage, like I want to be happy and in love but I can’t seem to get there.

I’m still being friends with the guy who broke my heart recently. I mean, I’ve not cried about it in a couple of weeks now, but I’ve thought about it. I’ve kept a bit of distance with him. Not texting him other than to talk about meeting friends. I’m not sure if that’s what he wants or not but I think it’s what’s needed.

I’m focusing on building friendships with people right now. I think a relationship is what I want but not what I need. I need to be happy in myself, and right now that just isn’t the case. I want people to talk to. I want plans. I don’t want second guessing. I don’t want to not feel good enough.

I’m not okay, I’m not o-fucking-kay.

I’m struggling honestly. Really struggling. I didn’t want to get out of bed today. I probably shouldn’t have. I made effort with friends. Tried to get some company out of the house. Nobody wanted it. Not that anyone ever does. I just feel pointless. A failure. I hate myself.

I’ve been feeling bad for weeks now. But it just gets worse. I can’t even remember what happens in my days. I don’t fasten my car belt, in the hope that if we were to crash, I’d die. I don’t care if I take extra medication. I don’t care if a car is speeding towards me. I just don’t care.

I decided I was going to pay some more money to see my long distance friends tomorrow just for the day because I couldn’t mentally handle being away from my house for the night, and as I told them what time I would be arriving I just got a response of “lol ok” I don’t even know what that means. But I know the person who sent it doesn’t like me. At all. I ruined his hopeful future relationship. Well, I just exposed what he was doing. Which was using my history with someone else to pretend to be me to her to talk her out of dating the other guy. Fucked. I know. But I still feel like the bad guy.

Right now I don’t know what to do. I binge ate and hate myself even more. I kind of just want to go to bed. But that doesn’t end this. Tomorrow I will wake up with the same issues. Part of me wants to confront those who have made me feel unwanted today. But that will just hurt. Part of me just wants to pass out and never wake up.

I know that I’ll make it out alive if I quit calling you my lover, and move on.

So here I am, sitting here, hungover as anything. Another day of looking for something to alter my mental state. It wasn’t even planned, it just happened. I just can’t be sober around you right now.

Last night I got a couple of texts “Hey we’re going out tonight if you want to join” I mean… I thought… I probably should if I ever want to get out of this alive. So I went out for drinks with a few friends… and him. I sat away from him, but as I went to buy a drink I came back and had to sit besides him, which made me feel on edge.

I had a few drinks, so did my friends. I had verbal vomit. I told my friend so much of what happened. She’s his friend too. So it was a risk. I didn’t want her to be mad at either of us. But she was. She was mad at him. Very mad. He’d treated me like trash, and she knew it. She questioned how long ago it happened, I told her. She was even more angry. She’d been around us weeks after that, and saw how he acted around me. How he was flirting. How he was looking at me. How he was leading me on. I had to reassure her I was okay just so she wouldn’t tell him how she felt about it all. I just didn’t want the drama.

I was supposed to have a second date with the guy I met last week, and I kind of want to, kind of don’t. He’s nice, but I’m in such a weird head space. I don’t commit to people very easily. I’ve done it twice in my life. It’s just not something I do easily. And after just having my heart broken again maybe I’m not ready to open my heart again. I’m not a huge fan of sex. I don’t do it casually it’s a big deal for me a lot of relationship things are. I crave relationships but I’m so used to being independent. I don’t want to lead this guy on when I’m so unsure of how I’m thinking.

I need to sober up and clear my head up.

I know that I can’t be your friend

Last night I had to spend my night in his company. After him telling me he just didn’t see a relationship with me ever being a thing anymore. I thought I could do it. But as I waited to see him and all my friends I felt sick. I put it down anxiety. But it just wouldn’t pass. Maybe it was a sickness bug, wishful thinking. Maybe it was the fact I got overly high the night before to just have a break from everything.

I got in the car. Still felt sick. Met up with friends. Still felt sick. Laughed. Still felt sick. It just wasn’t passing. I knew what the issue was. Him. Being around him just hurt so much. Knowing I’ll never feel his touch again. It all hurts.

So I told him, we need to talk. He agreed. So we tried. I just couldn’t handle it. So many tears. What happened? I asked him. “I just realised I didn’t have feelings for you after we had sex” couldn’t you realise that before you even suggested the idea? You broke me trying to fix yourself.

“I don’t like hurting you”

yet you did it, again. You knew how destroyed I was when we ended years ago. Yet you did it. Again. You gave me a taste of everything I wanted, and then took it all away. You threw me away like trash. Why?

“you don’t really care about sex so why can’t we just be friends?”

Relationships aren’t about sex, it’s about everything else. It was about the connection we clearly had before. The natural chemistry. The effortless conversations. The happiness we felt around each other.

I told him. I don’t think I can be your friend if this is how hurt I’m going to feel.

“Please don’t leave, I need you”

You need me, but not enough. You need me, but you don’t feel the hurt I feel.

“Why can’t we just be really close friends?”

Because as soon as one of us meets someone else seriously, how can we spend time together one on one. As soon as one of us meets someone else, that friendship is over. We’ll drop each other like a lead balloon. You can deny it. But we will.

Honestly, I wish I could move on. Well I wish I could have you, but I’ve known that wasn’t gonna happen for the last 3 years. Until you gave that hope. It’s not like I haven’t tried to move on. I have. Nothing fits. Nothing works. I’m broken.

I trusted you. I let you in. You hurt me. Again. And honestly I don’t know how to carry on from here. I need you, I need our friends, but I don’t want this heartbreaking feeling. I want to stop crying. I want to stop feeling.

I admitted something to you. The only compliments I get from everyone around me is “look how much weight you’ve lost, wow how much is it now?” and when the answer was barely nothing since last time, I started starving myself. I had less than 400 calories yesterday. I dropped 2lbs this morning. That’s the only thing that gives me value right now.