Well, hello there!
Who am I? Well, I’m just another 20 something millennial blogging through her life. Why? Maybe I’m hoping someone will listen. Maybe I’m hoping to get some clarity. Maybe I’m afraid of judgement from people I know. Maybe I’m just bored. Maybe it’s something I don’t even realise. I guess I’ll learn that eventually.
Anyway, I guess I’m trying to figure out my life. Feeling lost. Alone. Unwanted. Stressed. Happy. Sad. Anxious. Excited. Confused. Plus many, many more.
For those who don’t know me, which I guess is well… all of you. I suffer with mental health issues. I have a diagnosis but that’s not what I want to make this first post about. I want to make it about what’s going on in my brain right now.
Dating. Love. Affection.
They’re the things in my brain right now, do I want them? I crave them… so I guess that means I do. However, I crave them from one person. Who is that person? A past love of mine. The only one I’ve had. The only one I’ve let close enough to break my heart. We’ve been apart for several years, whilst I healed from the heartbreak. I heal slowly. You don’t need to tell me that. Yes, I dated other guys, none of them successful. I like to believe that happens for a reason, but I think I’m just too picky. But then again, shouldn’t you be picky if you’re planing to share your life with that person… hopefully forever.
He came back into my life this year. After I finally healed and moved on, I allowed him back in. I thought it was a good idea. I thought wrong. We spoke briefly and occasionally. Through social media of course. My self esteem was far too low for it to be in person. Until he needed my help. I supported him. As a good person would. As he did for me long ago. I thought nothing of it. Slowly we got closer. I felt I could do this. I felt like I’d moved on.
Then we saw each other more often. We became friends. Then he told me he didn’t want a relationship. It wasn’t something I had even been thinking about. Well, not out loud. He admitted he liked me. Found me attractive. Cared about me. We enjoyed our time together. Why not add something extra into the mix. Sex. I’d been single for a while. So had he. Why not? it could be fun. Right?
For a few days we thought about the idea. We got more flirty. I enjoyed the attention. It had been a while since I felt attractive. Desired. Sexy. I enjoyed it. I knew he didn’t want to be together. He’d been clear about that. And I wasn’t dating anyone so neither of us we’re doing anything wrong. But then we did it. We hooked up. It was fun. It was different. I wasn’t sad. I didn’t feel used. It felt casual, but with emotions. Not like, love or anything close to that. Just, it made me feel wanted.
Then we stopped talking. I knew he regretted it. Part of me did. I felt like I may have ruined everything. It takes a lot for me to let someone in. He had me like putty in his hands. I don’t think he realised that. Because I didn’t want him to. I was happy to be anything with him. Friends. Close friends. Friends with benefits. Dating. Lovers. Anything.
We spoke about it. He admitted it. He felt anxious after it happened. I don’t know what that meant. I still don’t. He cared about me too much. But didn’t want to do that anymore. I respected that. I still do. I’m just confused. He told me, he might be interested in a relationship with me one day. Just not right now. Not. Right. Now. That age old trick. I want you. Just not right now. What does that even mean? I still don’t know. Well, I do. I just don’t want to admit it. He hopes there’s someone better. Maybe I’ll still stick around if he doesn’t find that. Part of me wants to. Actually all of me wants to. I want that 2nd chance. I tried to rebuild the relationship, help him consider we could be more. But he kept that distance. Not letting me get too close. I get it.
So here I am. Signing up to dating websites. Hoping to find my soulmate. Knowing what I really want. Guys message me, it’s not that I never have anyone interested in me. I know if I didn’t want to be single, I wouldn’t have to be. But nothing feels as good as I do when I’m with him. Stupid I know.
I even organised a date with a cute guy. Seems friendly. Caring. Smart. Then I cancelled. I couldn’t bring myself to go. I felt like I was cheating. I’m not. But it still felt wrong. It felt too soon. It’s not.
Last night I decided the best thing to do is have some distance. Stop checking social media. Stop seeing if he’s liked my latest status. Hint; he hasn’t. He never did anymore. Why did I care? I don’t even know. Within those 24 hours of distancing from social media, 3 different guys have text me. 3 different guys all interested in me. Yet, I feel nothing from that. I don’t want to tell them how my day was. I don’t want to spend my weekend with them. I don’t crave their touch. I don’t crave their attention at all. So do I force myself to be interested in one of these guys? Do I let one of them in close enough to tear me apart all over again? What is wrong with me? Don’t you have to kiss a lot of frogs to get your prince? Or is that just the bullshit we’re fed at kids. Like “oh if a guy is mean to you it means he likes you!” Maybe that’s why I crave attention from the only person I can’t get it from. Wow. I feel like a broken human being.
So how do I deal with all this. Well I’m gonna give a go at blogging it out. Not that anyone will read it. I’m going to give myself a make over. Probably use that for attention on social media even if I claim to be on a cleanse. But I am promising myself that is the only post on any social media I will post. None of these “totally having an amazing time right now give me attention even though it’s clearly not that great of a time since I’m spending it on social media” posts.
So I guess I’ll see you all tomorrow and try and see if there’s anymore sense in my brain.