Maybe blogging will make me less lonely?

This is the post excerpt.

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Well, hello there!

Who am I? Well, I’m just another 20 something millennial blogging through her life. Why? Maybe I’m hoping someone will listen. Maybe I’m hoping to get some clarity. Maybe I’m afraid of judgement from people I know. Maybe I’m just bored. Maybe it’s something I don’t even realise. I guess I’ll learn that eventually.

Anyway, I guess I’m trying to figure out my life. Feeling lost. Alone. Unwanted. Stressed. Happy. Sad. Anxious. Excited. Confused. Plus many, many more.

For those who don’t know me, which I guess is well… all of you. I suffer with mental health issues. I have a diagnosis but that’s not what I want to make this first post about. I want to make it about what’s going on in my brain right now.

Dating. Love. Affection.
They’re the things in my brain right now, do I want them? I crave them… so I guess that means I do. However, I crave them from one person. Who is that person? A past love of mine. The only one I’ve had. The only one I’ve let close enough to break my heart. We’ve been apart for several years, whilst I healed from the heartbreak. I heal slowly. You don’t need to tell me that. Yes, I dated other guys, none of them successful. I like to believe that happens for a reason, but I think I’m just too picky. But then again, shouldn’t you be picky if you’re planing to share your life with that person… hopefully forever.

He came back into my life this year. After I finally healed and moved on, I allowed him back in. I thought it was a good idea. I thought wrong. We spoke briefly and occasionally. Through social media of course. My self esteem was far too low for it to be in person. Until he needed my help. I supported him. As a good person would. As he did for me long ago. I thought nothing of it. Slowly we got closer. I felt I could do this. I felt like I’d moved on.

Then we saw each other more often. We became friends. Then he told me he didn’t want a relationship. It wasn’t something I had even been thinking about. Well, not out loud. He admitted he liked me. Found me attractive. Cared about me. We enjoyed our time together. Why not add something extra into the mix. Sex. I’d been single for a while. So had he. Why not? it could be fun. Right?

For a few days we thought about the idea. We got more flirty. I enjoyed the attention. It had been a while since I felt attractive. Desired. Sexy. I enjoyed it. I knew he didn’t want to be together. He’d been clear about that. And I wasn’t dating anyone so neither of us we’re doing anything wrong. But then we did it. We hooked up. It was fun. It was different. I wasn’t sad. I didn’t feel used. It felt casual, but with emotions. Not like, love or anything close to that. Just, it made me feel wanted.

Then we stopped talking. I knew he regretted it. Part of me did. I felt like I may have ruined everything. It takes a lot for me to let someone in. He had me like putty in his hands. I don’t think he realised that. Because I didn’t want him to. I was happy to be anything with him. Friends. Close friends. Friends with benefits. Dating. Lovers. Anything.

We spoke about it. He admitted it. He felt anxious after it happened. I don’t know what that meant. I still don’t. He cared about me too much. But didn’t want to do that anymore. I respected that. I still do. I’m just confused. He told me, he might be interested in a relationship with me one day. Just not right now. Not. Right. Now. That age old trick. I want you. Just not right now. What does that even mean? I still don’t know. Well, I do. I just don’t want to admit it. He hopes there’s someone better. Maybe I’ll still stick around if he doesn’t find that. Part of me wants to. Actually all of me wants to. I want that 2nd chance. I tried to rebuild the relationship, help him consider we could be more. But he kept that distance. Not letting me get too close. I get it.

So here I am. Signing up to dating websites. Hoping to find my soulmate. Knowing what I really want. Guys message me, it’s not that I never have anyone interested in me. I know if I didn’t want to be single, I wouldn’t have to be. But nothing feels as good as I do when I’m with him. Stupid I know.

I even organised a date with a cute guy. Seems friendly. Caring. Smart. Then I cancelled. I couldn’t bring myself to go. I felt like I was cheating. I’m not. But it still felt wrong. It felt too soon. It’s not.

Last night I decided the best thing to do is have some distance. Stop checking social media. Stop seeing if he’s liked my latest status. Hint; he hasn’t. He never did anymore. Why did I care? I don’t even know. Within those 24 hours of distancing from social media, 3 different guys have text me. 3 different guys all interested in me. Yet, I feel nothing from that. I don’t want to tell them how my day was. I don’t want to spend my weekend with them. I don’t crave their touch. I don’t crave their attention at all. So do I force myself to be interested in one of these guys? Do I let one of them in close enough to tear me apart all over again? What is wrong with me? Don’t you have to kiss a lot of frogs to get your prince? Or is that just the bullshit we’re fed at kids. Like “oh if a guy is mean to you it means he likes you!” Maybe that’s why I crave attention from the only person I can’t get it from. Wow. I feel like a broken human being.

So how do I deal with all this. Well I’m gonna give a go at blogging it out. Not that anyone will read it. I’m going to give myself a make over. Probably use that for attention on social media even if I claim to be on a cleanse. But I am promising myself that is the only post on any social media I will post. None of these “totally having an amazing time right now give me attention even though it’s clearly not that great of a time since I’m spending it on social media” posts.

So I guess I’ll see you all tomorrow and try and see if there’s anymore sense in my brain.

 

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tore my shirt to stop you bleeding, but nothing ever stops you leaving.

I’m so tired of your bullshit so freaking tired. After you broke my heart I stuck by you because you needed me. Then I took a week away from you. You text me knowing I was going out with friends, questioned when replies were short. 2 days later, “hey wanna chat?” not really I’m busy. Then that sent you into a depressive episode. I can feel when you’re depressed. I felt bad. I reached out to you, in panic I send 5 messages. I eventually say when I see you’ve read and ignored them “just tell me you’re okay and I’ll leave you alone” you respond you just want to sleep.

The next day you tell me how terrible you feel, how you’re at rock bottom and everyone hates you. I offer you all the support I can. Eventually that night we’re still talking and of course you start making sexual comments. You’re making a sexual move again. I hold back because I know this is just part of the pattern. The next day you’re thankful for everything. Suddenly when I speak to you, you feel better. Asking about my dating life. It’s just odd.

2 days later I’m struggling. Having voices screaming loud in my head “just do it, go to the bridge” and I start having images in my head of my on a bridge, ready to jump. I fight it so hard. I post about feeling low. Struggling. My friends all view it, and say nothing. I’m feeling like I want to give up on life, and not a single friend messages me. I can see when I’m not wanted. I’m done. I’m gonna deal with life alone. A friend asked if I wanted to go on a hike, I said no I’m struggling. Nothing. No response. Fuck everything, fuck everyone.

I’m gonna try one last time tomorrow to seek out mental health support. One. Last. Time.

damn you’re such a….

Damn, today was horrible. Like horrifically horrible.

This week has been tough for me. My dad passed this time of year, so I’ve just been kinda needy. But my neediness taught me. I don’t have a best friend, I’m lucky if I even think I have a friend.

My “best friend” hasn’t spoken to me in 7 weeks. We spoke briefly then she just stopped responding. 3 years of friendship, gone. Didn’t even check how I was going during any of my difficulties. I know where I stand.

So I decided to lean on my fuck buddy, friend, best friend, friend with benefits. Whatever we fucking are. I thought this year he would be different. Last year he ignored me when I needed him to. So I made it clear. I need your help to get through this. I need someone to lean on. Please. I don’t want to go into that reclusive space I go into usually. That space where I ignore the world, because it doesn’t care about me. You agree. I feel valued.

Cut to this week. You’re short tempered. But me, being the person I am, the more you pull away, the harder I fight for the love. Stupid right? Asking a few times of the week “hey we’re good right?” whenever I feel distance. You tell me we are.

Cut to this weekend. I need you. I tell you I need you. I get an annoyed message. A short message. I feel like cancelling our plans with friends. I feel annoying. I feel the urge to isolate. But I fight it. I comfort you. I keep the plans. The plans are to have friends round and chill out. Good I need the company.

Suddenly you tell me to follow you upstairs. I do, you pull me in the bathroom. You want a blowjob. Sounds fun, sounds hot. Sure. We’ve never done anything like that before. I needed the sexual validation. I’d not had it in a while.

“mine” you whisper in my ear, and I realise…. the reason you want me… is because I posted something online. Something I was getting a lot of validation for. The world telling me how good I looked. That turned you on. That you could have something that others wanted. That I was yours. All yours. To do whatever you wanted with.

And I didn’t have a problem with it, but you had no consideration for how I was feeling. This entire weekend you’ve not asked how I’m feeling. Not. Once. The hardest time of the year for me, and you didn’t even ask how I was doing. But you were happy to use that for sexual acts.

Whatever, I enjoyed it. I didn’t fully think about it until today. We went out, to the movies. I did ask you if you’d spend time with me on the actual day. I guess you followed through. But when I asked you to spend time with me. I meant you to spend time with me. Not you and another friend. To see a movie you chose. So we spent what 3 hours together? Basically non of that talking. Yet you were still annoyed at me. I rested my head on your shoulder, feeling tired… wanting a comforting response. “Stop resting your head on me.” Okay, I guess it’s best to be honest.

Movie ends, we go to say goodbye. “Can I have a hug?” I say. You give me a look of confusion like you didn’t want to give me one. Like I’d asked you to fuck me in the street or something. God forbid the world see any form of affection. On a day it was really needed.

I then argue with the other friend, he asks me why I’m not acting like myself. I tell him it’s because of the day… and he knew that. I get mad that he asked in such a brash way. We argue. I text my fuck buddy/friend saying I felt uncomfortable. He has no interest in even talking to me. He responds not really caring. Clearly wanting the conversation to end. So he ends it. I tell him “I’m sorry for bothering you, text me if you need me :)” and he just ignored it. On the day I said I really needed someone around. The one day. He just stopped responding. He literally didn’t give a fuck. And the worst truth is, the old him is coming back. He switched his medications, and he switched back to the person he used to be. The person who was annoyed at every little thing. The person, who didn’t want me. It was an instant switch. And it’s not stopping. How can you one day want me to be intimate with you, doing what you wish… to the next day ignoring me on the day I needed it the most. I guess sometimes you need to see that someone doesn’t care in order to move on. I loved you. I kept going back to you. I thought one day I could love you again. but I can’t, because you’ll never love me. You’ll never change. You’ll never value me. If you needed me do you think I would tell you “you need to get over this, you can’t keep feeling this way about the passing of your dad” like it’s wrong to struggle with losing a parent to fucking drugs and suicide. Like I should just be over that. Thing is, it’s easier to walk away from you like this. Because there’s nothing to miss. Before I would miss the intimacy, the chats, the support. Now, you’re giving me nothing to miss anymore. You’ll find someone new, sure. But they’ll never love you like I did.

How is it you never notice, that you were slowly killing me?

I’m struggling, I’m struggling so bad. Life is just, nothing. Nothing makes me happy. Nothing. I’m sad all of the time, at best I’m complacent. Every day is a battle just waiting to sleep.  I used to keep myself busy to stop the depression creeping in, being busy doesn’t help. Every day I’m just fighting through hoping it’ll change. Hoping you’ll change your mind.

You hurt me almost 5 years ago when you walked away. But I got through it, when I thought I wouldn’t. I moved on. You didn’t like that. You really didn’t. You were watching my new relationship despite the fact you walked away from me. I had to stop talking to you for years, and neither of us truly moved on.

We became friends after what, 2 years of no talking? After you worked your way in. I began to allow you back in. It took maybe 2 months of talking at most before you wanted to have sex with me. Not long at all. It was your choice, not mine. Yes I agreed, but you initiated it. Yet I’m the one with feelings?

On and off, on and off. We end things, though is it really ending when we were just “casual” and I date someone new. I don’t feel a connection, I go back to you. The only connection I ever felt. Again and again. For the past year and a half. We’ve gone back to each other every time. Secretly of course, can’t have our friends know. You make sure they don’t even suspect it.

But then things were different. It felt different. We felt close. Like we were heading to something special. We were happy around each other. So happy. So content. We enjoyed the time we spent together. We held hands even with others around. We went into the new year kissing each other. It felt good. It felt like the happiness I lost. It felt like you were the missing piece, that we were going to fit back together, both older and wiser.

Then you changed your medication, suddenly everything changed… instantly. Those dating apps you’d deleted, back on your phone. Suddenly you’re pointing out we have gotten too close. We were too “relationshippy” and you didn’t want that anymore. I cried for hours as you told me you wanted to date new people. Any self esteem and trust I had went out of the window. I wasn’t good enough. Again. Heartbroken. Again.

You started pointing out my flaws. “you talk too much” “you mock yourself too much” “you need to spend less time on social media” “you drank too much” I couldn’t do anything right. You don’t want me, but you want me to change myself for you. You wouldn’t even give me a reason that we couldn’t be in a relationship. You just said “reasons” okay? what reasons? Don’t I deserve to know why our almost 10 year history of friendship and dating doesn’t deserve closure. Or is it because you don’t know? You don’t want to fully ruin in… just in case you don’t find someone and you have to settle for me. And I’d accept it.

I’m in the toughest week of the year for me. A week filled with memories I’d rather forget. I needed you around. I don’t have anyone right now. So many friends have walked away from me. I don’t blame them. I don’t really have anyone. You’re all I had. I reached out to you, and you just ignored me. I needed you. You were online 4 minutes before I messaged you, you didn’t fall asleep in that time at that time. You just didn’t want to deal with me. I don’t blame you.

I need to walk away, you want to date someone new I can’t be around that. It’ll hurt me so much. Knowing you’re falling in love with someone new. Whilst I struggle to fall for anyone else. I’m losing purpose in this world I really am. I don’t want to be here anymore. I don’t know how long I’ll last without any feeling of happiness. I just don’t want to live this life anymore. I don’t want to be me anymore.

that wasn’t love, that was just hope.

I’m out here feeling hurt, you never tell me I’m good enough for you. You don’t make me feel like it either. I’m your secret. Because you don’t want others involved. Really you’re ashamed of me. You want to do better, you would never settle for me. You mess up my self worth. You always call me “mine” I belong to you, you like to feel like you have ownership. Then you tell me my female friend is hot. You tell me if you wanted to sleep with her you could because you don’t belong to me. You like to make it clear to me that you have the freedom to find someone else. All the time. You complain about being single, but tell me we wouldn’t work. But here I am constantly running back to you, hoping you’ll one day decide actually yeah this is the girl I need. But you won’t. You don’t think I’m good enough for you. Which takes me back to how I used to feel. Undervalued, unwanted, undeserving of love. Your own pride comes above my desire to feel wanted. And I tell you, I just want to feel good enough. You tell me I’ve got to learn to make myself feel good enough. Which is true. But people are still supposed to help people.

You’ve had me whenever you want me for the last year an a half. It’s all on your terms. And I’m a fool for never standing my ground. You want someone else and I’ll do until you find them. The reason I’m so anxious and depressed all the time is because you make it clear you only want the good parts of me. You don’t want all of me, just the things you want. It hurts, it really does. I walked away from our friendship for 2 years because I didn’t want to end up in this pattern after our break up. And I was so proud I did that, but then I came back. And ended up in that pattern I promised I wouldn’t. Why do I allow myself to be so weak. Why do you make me that way? Why do you not care for the way your pulling me along and hurting me. You can’t even act like you don’t realise you’re doing it. Because you point it out. Oh “your voice gets sad when I mention dating other people” doesn’t go well with “I don’t want to lead you on” “I don’t want to hurt you” yet you know you’re doing it, and you continue to do it. You know exactly what you’re doing. But then again so do I. Whenever you end things for me “getting attached” we distance for a while. I date new people. Realise I’m not attracted to them, then I come back… I drop little flirty hints. You apologise for getting flirty. I say “oh nothing wrong with having fun” and it begins again. I know exactly what I’m doing. All the time. I hurt myself. I know what to expect but I do it anyway. One day I’ll learn.

sometimes I just wanna cave and I don’t wanna fight.

Here I am, sat at my computer, crying yet again. Crying why? I can’t handle life. My friends want to come round in 2 hours, and I’m crying not even wanting to be here right now. I’m just really struggling with life. Nothing brings me happiness anymore. I hate everything about it. No matter what I try, I crash and burn all the time. Everything I do, I fail. I can’t even be bothered to plan my own social event. Part of me wants people to bail so I justify my own thoughts of nobody wanting me around. I tell people I feel like I don’t want to be in this world. Nobody tells me not to do it. Nobody really says anything. An occasional “I’d miss you” is what I get. I guess it’s less that I want to die and more that I don’t want to keep living like this.

There’s only so much more I can handle before I break. I’ve asked medical professionals for help, they’ve given up on me. No support is offered anymore. It’s treated as “this happens to you sometimes” I’ve been honest with them. Explained my dark thoughts. If everyone else has given up on me why shouldn’t I?

It never gets better, and I know as soon as my heart is hurt one more time, I’ll end up giving up.

I’m an idiot

what am I doing to myself? I’m giving you everything you want. Everything. It’s all under your rules. All the time. You say you don’t want to hurt me, so I have to act like you’re not. Despite me telling you on and off for the past year that I can’t move on. I’ve confessed that our hook ups hurt me. Probably about 3 times over the past year. Yet you always come back when you need me. And I accept it, because I need you. Without you in my life I don’t know what to do.

You happily sleep with me. Flirt with me. Talk with me. Call me when you need help. Help me when I need it too. But you won’t give me a second chance. I’m not good enough for more than the occasional hook up, until you find a better girl. You complain about being single, all whilst saying you don’t want to date me because you “don’t agree with me on some things” but you won’t tell me what things, because you don’t want me to change them, because it’s not my fault, it’s yours for not liking those things.

If you don’t want me why do you keep coming back? Why? I don’t get it. Why won’t you even give me a chance for a second try? I can’t enjoy our hook ups because I know one day, you’ll stop them when you find a better girl. It hurts not feeling good enough. When you happily ignore all their flaws because they don’t matter. We all have flaws. Please just let me go. I need to go, I need to move on somehow. I don’t know how. I don’t want to. But please just let me go.

I hate you, don’t leave me.

Another night, another breakdown. Another day of just realising I’m not good enough. Here you are complaining about being single, all whilst you won’t commit to me. I’m a good friend, a good fuck. But just not good enough to date. We’ve been on and off for a year and a half. You enjoy your time with me but I’m not new and exciting. You’re the only person I can imagine a life with, but you’ll never want to be with me. Here I am holding out hope you might change your mind, deeply anxious knowing you won’t.

I thought we’d grow in time, I wasn’t prepared.

Here we are again, me… struggling. The thought of being casual with you was better than nothing it all. I can’t handle the thought of never holding your body close to mine again. The thought of you finding another hurts me more than anything else in the world. I don’t know how I’ll ever be able to handle that. Why do I do this to myself? let myself get attached. Every time you take longer than an hour to respond, my brain thinks you must be finding the girl who is going to take my place. I can’t handle it. I want nothing more in life than to be with you. You make me happier than anyone else ever does. In the time we’ve been apart nobody has ever been able to take your place. I hate it. Because you don’t feel the same. I’m temporary to you. You want to find someone better for you than me. I’m there until that new, beautiful and wonderful girl comes alone. I’m here, dreading that day. Knowing I’ll never find anyone better than you. Never. I can’t handle it.

I’ve got to convince myself I don’t want it, even though I do.

Wow. I haven’t posted on here in quite a while. I guess I had the fear if I kept posting and somebody found it who knew me, everything would be out there. Really I’m treating this like a diary. Somewhere I can be honest, behind a screen.

I guess a lot of things have changed, but some have stayed the same. I’ve dated maybe 4 people in the past year, none of them have clicked. I just felt nothing for any of them. I even saw an ex-boyfriend of mine… and felt nothing. NOTHING… how? what is wrong with my brain?

After several unsuccessful attempts at dating, I went back to him, again and again. Until he doesn’t want me, then I go back to dating. It’s a cycle.

A couple of nights ago I spent the night with him. First time in about 6 months. We’ve been planning it for a while, but things kept going wrong in our lives. Part of me thinks things are going wrong in my life as karma for going back to him. The world trying to tell me he’s not the one. He’s not, I know he’s not. But how I feel when I’m around him just makes nothing else matter. I was so genuinely happy lay next to him. Both of us not needing any of our unhealthy coping mechanisms. No drugs, no alcohol, nobody else around. Just content.

It felt different this time. It felt like he wanted to be there. I don’t know. I was happy. Even if it’s just us being close friends with intimacy. It’s nice. But as soon as I’m alone with my thoughts I just over think it. I want to message and ask if we’re okay. I want reassurance that he doesn’t regret it. but I don’t want to look like a person who needs validation. I want to seem strong and confident. But I also need that intimacy in my life, at least until I finally feel like I connect with another human being in this world.

oh you’re gonna miss me when I’m gone

you know what? you’re actually kind of a shitty person. I have feelings for you, more jealousy, but actually… I don’t enjoy your company any more. Yeah. I will probably fuck you one more time, show you what you’re missing and then move on with my life. Or at least try to.

You’ve hurt me, so much… yet I keep going back to you. You broke my heart, you were everything I ever wanted. Everything. You’re telling me you don’t want anything more than sex, but telling other people you want something serious and the perfect person in your life. Good fucking luck. You have me here right in front of you, the person who was there for you so much. I admit, I have flaws. I’m the first person to admit that, but you expect everyone to treat you how you don’t treat them.

Oh you’re depressed today, you want attention, you get love and support from those around you. Oh I’m depressed? I really need to stop because it’s ruining other people’s fun. It’s actually at the point where I don’t want you to be around, because I feel like I can’t be myself, because you’ll scoff, you’ll complain or you’ll just make it about you. I can’t be bothered. This entire thing has been 90% effort from me, 10% from you. But you say jump and I say how high? After this weekend, I MUST NOT be with you again. No sex. No support. Nothing. I can’t do this anymore. Constantly questioning my worth because you don’t value me. I just can’t.