How are you all around me? when you’re not really there.

So, still a little bit high mainly. Binge ate too much food. I feel awful. Why do I keep doing this to myself?

Yesterday I slipped into a depression. Friends haven’t wanted to spend time with me for the last few weeks. I’ve been keeping myself busy to not notice. I haven’t really had a conversation with any of them. I arranged something today with them. But this morning, it was cancelled. So that didn’t help the depression I’d slipped into.

I decided to resort to the only thing I can. Drugs. And food.

Last night I took valium and codine to knock me out for the night, and well… it did. However I woke this morning. Still sad as last night. Great.

I visited my friend. My friend who has weed. Free weed. Feels like a complete winner. I can shut my brain off for a few hours. Though my tolerance is getting higher. My cravings for it’s effects higher. You wouldn’t believe I’d been straight edge most of my life. Until I found anything that knocks me out or shuts my brain up. That’s all I want. To. Stop. Thinking. Because when I think, I think about how worthless I am. How pointless I am. How other people must see me as such a failure. I can’t even do the one thing I’ve been good at this year. Losing weight. Maybe someone will love me when I weigh the right amount. When I’m not this fat ogre. I just want to be loved. I tell people “oh I’m not looking to date right now” when really all I want is love. Where do I look for it? People who loved me before. People who loved me when I was obese. Hoping they’ll love me again. And yes, a couple gave me a second chance. But I didn’t want to take it. I only crave it when they make it a challenge. When they act uninterested.

I just want someone to hold me every night and tell me they love me and that it doesn’t matter if I fail the next day because I have them. Always and forever.